I’m someone who feels stifled more often than not.
And not just stifled – but also smothered, trapped, and held back by the people and situations that surround me. This isn’t always fair to them, and it isn’t exactly a happy existence for me either.
Daily, I find myself pushing down the ever-creeping tendrils of anxiety as they wend their way out from deep in my gut and up towards my heart, strangling it, before continuing up to fill my throat – making it difficult to breathe, before finally filling my head and clouding my mind. If I can’t stop it before it gets to that point then I shut down, mentally, and the world falls away. I need to sleep.
I’ve tried to escape it. To feel free. I change my number. I move house. I’ve run away, crossing the country in my attempt to escape, but it turns out you cannot outrun yourself.
No matter how often I try to pinpoint the cause of my feelings, to find someone or something to blame, there just isn’t any one thing or person. There is nothing wrong with my outside world. There is nothing wrong with the people around me. It’s something in me.
I feel as if I should come with a warning label when meeting new people.
Warning: Distant. Emotionally unavailable. Non-committal.
Because it doesn’t matter how much I love a person – I just don’t think I have everything I need to be whatever it is everyone else needs.